I used to love you.

Dear Miss Katy Perry:

I was thoroughly enjoying my normal ritual of taking part in Ladies Night here at my pad, where thousands of beautiful women just stare at me in complete awe, when a little birdie told me you called me a “bitch” on Saturday Night live because you think I stole your outfit.

Girl, who do you think you are?

I am the most famous Christmas tree in the world.  I am tall, handsome and ooze sexiness.  Members of my family have been keeping this tradition for over 70 years, well before even your parents were born.  And you think *I* stole your outfit???  Girl, I look good.  You look like you went on a shopping spree at the 99 cent store.

Don’t ride on my celebrity status coattails.  I don’t need autotune to look good, baby.

I’m hurt.  I want to love you.  I want an apology.  And a hug.  A-SAP.

Not-So-Sincerely Yours,
Mr. Tree

As the hottest Christmas tree on planet earth, my lights are only handled by the best professionals we could find.

So this won’t happen with me, but YOU could do this with YOUR tree!

Imagine sitting on your couch.  In one hand, a nice large glass of eggnog.  In the other, your phone.  As you stare at your Christmas tree secretly wishing it was me, you could control what your decorations do all through the use of your mobile device and Twitter!

Look at THIS:

Since I am the most important part of the big Tree Lighting Ceremony on November 30th, I need to go in style.  I need to make a statement.  I need to look good.

This hot tree needs a hot date.

As of today, I am taking applications from beautiful women who want to shine with me in the spotlight.

I don’t have any real physical requirements except that you’re a woman and have a killer smile.  I love women that shine with their beauty…both on the inside and the outside.

SO.  What will our night look like?  Well…

1.  When you arrive, I’ll have a dozen roses waiting for you.  Seriously ladies, when was the last time a man bought you flowers?  If you’d like a few pine needles with them, well, if you play your cards right, you may get a few of those, too.

2.  You will finally get to wear that hot dress you bought earlier this year off the clearance rack at Bloomingdales!  Remember how you said you were waiting for just the right moment to wear it?  I think you found it, honey.

3.  Throwing spitballs at Justin Bieber.  The little girl singer will be “performing” his music for the crowd of disappointed people. (not my choice)  From my vantage point, we can give that little guy a run for his money.  Fire away!

4.  We’ll get to play one of my favorite games every year… “How Much Makeup Did They Put on Al Roker’s Dome??”  I mean I know I’m the vein one of the cast with all the lights on me.  But who cares… it’s still fun to play!

5.  We’ll make out.  Totally make out.

I want to hear from you.  Tweet me (@30RockTree) and tell me WHY you’d make an awesome tree date.  GO!  Do it now!

Dear Nina in New York:

Hello stereotypical angry New Yorker.  I was just getting some work done in preparation for my big debut on November 30th when my assistant informed me of the nice welcome you wrote for me on CBSNewYork.com.

Well aren’t you such a sweetheart and bundle of joy.

I decided to take time out of my very busy schedule of getting all dolled up and looking good for the millions of people who admire me to respond to your little write up.

1.  First, you’re just jealous.  I know you are.  While you are just one of the millions of people walking the streets like a zombie, people actually stop to look at me and not you.  They stand there in awe and admiration.  And honestly, who can blame them.  I bring joy to millions.  There is only one me.  Deal with it.

2.  You’re a New Yorker.  You know that there are about 20 different ways to get from point A to B in this town.  Don’t complain about people stopping to get a photo with me that will end up as their Facebook profile photo.  Just find a new way around the flocks of people admiring my natural beauty.  Okay, it’s not ALL natural.  I’ll have some add-on branches, but I digress…

3.  Surprisingly, you and I can come together and agree on one thing.  Justin Bieber.  So not happy about that, either.  Last year my bosses thought it would be funny for me to put up with Susan Boyle.  When I heard Justin Bieber’s name, I thought it was just a practical joke they were playing.  Nope.  Don’t worry, I’ll be taking a nap when he sings.  I know how to fake it, baby.

So how about we put aside our differences and be friends.  I’m here to bring joy into your world.  When I’m all ready, come visit me.  Give me a hug.  We’ll hang out and make fun of the lame tourists together.

Just pour a bottle of vodka in my water bowl and we’ll be just fine.

Love you long time.

The Tree